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Top 5: Worst Things About Long-Haul

November 29, 2009

Me and Dytastic are off on our adventures of the Far East this week, but just to let you know we’re not living a glamourous jet-set lifestyle, here are our list of the worst things about long-haul traveling.

1: Gourmet It Ain’t

Plane food is bad 99% of the time, that is a fact of life. Mostly it can be quietly ignored, but when you’re stuck on a plane for 14 hours you really should try to eat something. I know models always say “plane food is bad because its so starchy/salty/fatty” whatever, but the truth is plane food is a hell of a lot harder on your tastebuds than your body. Mystery meat with sticky gravy and soggy vegetables anyone? Or how about scrambled eggs boiled in water with crunchy pieces of…is that supposed to be ham? Perhaps you’d prefer the vegetarian choice of pasta mush with vegetable crunch?


2: Style Goes Out The Window

 

I never used to understand how celebrities could look so stylish in airports, I mean how did Posh Spice and Kate Moss look so darn fresh and fashionable when I always looked like I’d been dragged through a hedge backwards? Then of course, I realised that these people don’t fly economy. There’s your explanation. For us mere mortals who have to slum it in economy, looking good and being comfortable are like oil and water. I though I had it pegged with leggings and some sort of slouchy tunic top thing, but then I had to start wearing plane socks out of necessity, and let me tell you, leggings are darn hard to slide over those babies. I bet Kate Moss doesn’t have to wear plane socks.

3: Cirque de Contortionist

 

Long-haul cabins are usually one comfort level below your average coach service. I mean, you have to sit up straight until the person behind you has finished his meal, and you better hope the person in front of you has the same common courtesy in store for you. If you want to go to the toilet, best wait until food service is finished, but don’t wait too long in case the guy next to you falls asleep. Better hurry too, in case said guy has fallen asleep by the time you get back, which leaves you no option but to silently climb over him. Sod’s law dictates that the moment your ass is directly in line with his face he will wake up. Then when you want to go to sleep yourself, you’ll probably find that the guy behind you is the jolly green giant, and you can’t lean your seat back. I guess it doesn’t matter anyway, since the only chance you have in hell of going to sleep is either a slightly-higher-than-recommended dose of sleeping pills or if the air stewardess accidentally-on-purpose drops a piece of hand luggage on your head.

4: Desert Dry

 

Air inside the cabin of an airplane is about as good for your skin as sandpaper, and that about describes the feeling in your lungs after about 30 minutes too. Newsflash: not all airlines provide water bottles for economy class passengers, only the nice ones do (the rest will burn in hell). Some airlines have “solved” this by leaving water bottles in the galley for people to help themselves, but then you are back to the old contortionist tricks, because by now the guy next to you has for sure gone to sleep and is snoring like hell. Bringing your own can be an option, unless you’re at one of those gates with a security check outside it so that the water bottle you had so cleverly remembered to bring is waaay above the 100 ml limit.

5: Kids in Business

 

There is nothing worse than boarding a flight and heading back to economy and then passing a pint-sized child wallowing in space in a nice, soft, cushiony business class seat. Those things have ample space in economy for chrissake! I get that as a parent you’d quite like your child to sit next to you on a flight, but the mere sight depresses the hell out of me. But then again, if you are surrounded by screaming kids in economy, why not let the business class passengers share in that joy too….?

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